I will praise you in this storm!

I love the beach!  If there is ever a place to be amazed by God's creation, it is sitting by the ocean.  I am not sure if it is because I am actually still at the beach or if it is just a special place, but I always feel so much closer to our Creator and His Power when I am there. 

¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

~Psalm 46:10-11

 I am blown away when I think of the Promises He has made to me.  He has promised me that He wouldn't let go of me.  He has promised to be my shelter and my anchor in the storm.  He has promised to love me.  He has promised to give me peace.  He has promised me eternity with Him and my daughter. This is the Creator of the universe, the Father of all, and He has made and KEPT promises to weak, little me????  Wow!  

It has been 1 year since He gave me a visible reminder of His promise that He will always be there for me.  We were at the beach, I had just finished reading Inside My Heart by Robin McGraw.  She spoke of how God had shown her husband, Dr. Phil, His Presence by Whales in the ocean.  She said she went to the same spot hoping to see the whales and in turn get a sense of God's mighty power.  She waited and didn't see the whales.  As she was walking away, she came upon hundreds of starfish in the shallow water.  She said it was like God was saying, this is for you.  I had this story in my mind as I sat on the balcony overlooking the water one morning.  I had just finished a time of Bible study and prayer when I noticed dolphins swimming by.  Suddenly, one of the dolphins jumped completely out of the water so that I could see its whole body!  I have never seen one do this in the wild.  In that moment, God whispered in my heart..."I love you, I will hold you tight."

Now,  you know the events of this year.  Can you imagine how tightly I held to that Promise? 

We were at the beach last week.  Obviously, I was searching for another "sign" from God every morning on that balcony.  I just knew He would have another dolphin jump out of the water, and He would whisper, "I still have you" or something like that. Well, that didn't happen.  The week went by, and I felt unrest in my spirit.  For the beginning of the trip, I was moody and angry.  Poor Neal, I snapped at him several times. During the middle, I was emotional.  There were so many kids and parents playing on the beach.  A mom and baby were in the chairs next to us.  On the other side was a teenage babysitter watching 6 or 7 kids-their parents were nowhere to be found.  I kept thinking how those parents were missing valuable time with their kids, their miracles. I was filled with so much sadness and longing that day. Finally by the last day or two, my joy returned.  On that last day, we decided to eat lunch at the hotel restaurant overlooking the water before we headed home.  As we were sitting there, we noticed dolphins.  It was Neal who noticed two of the dolphins were swimming very close together and one of the fins was small. It was a mother and baby.  A mother and baby swimming side by side.

Now, I don't know what that actually means; I didn't hear Him whisper anything.  But I do feel God wanted me to see this.  This was not a coincidence.  It may mean that He is going to let me have another baby...a healthy baby.  It may not mean that.  It may be a reminder that I will get to be with Anna Grace for eternity.  It may mean that I will have a child through adoption.  I don't know.  I am going to take it that everything is going to be okay.  It is definitely a sign to me that He hasn't forgotten about me, and He hasn't given up on me because He loves me so much. 

God is so good...He's so good to me!

I am clinging to these reminders of His love and His power.  My heart still aches every day for Anna Grace.  I miss her so much.  It is only by God's grace that I am able to get up each morning and put a smile on my face.  He reminds me each day of how much He loves me and that Anna Grace is safe.  He also reminds me that I will get to spend ETERNITY with her.  Although I am able to function on a daily basis, I feel as though I am still in the "storm".  Maybe I am in the rescue and recovery stage, trying to pick up the pieces. Please click on the link below to watch a video and song that captures my heart.  "I will praise you in this storm!" 

This picture says it all. 

 Casting Crowns- I Will Praise You in This Storm

 ¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
   where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the LORD,
   the Maker of heaven and earth.
 ³ He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep.
 ⁵ The LORD watches over you—
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
   nor the moon by night.
 ⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
   he will watch over your life;
⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
   both now and forevermore.
~Psalm 121

The Biggest Storm I have ever faced. It was raining this day.

 Poetic.  

I thought I would share a few more photos of our beautiful girl...

What is your mission statement?

Today at work, we talked about our mission statement. My principal asked us to take time to think about ourselves and what is important to us.  She gave us several questions to answer regarding our beliefs, goals and vision for our school.  I quickly realized these questions could apply to my life personally.  The questions were similar to the ones below...
What do I value?
What are my goals?
What do I believe is important?
What is my vision for myself?
Where do I want to be and how will I get there?

I think the most important question that was not on the list would be...

What is God's Mission for me?

I know that He created me for at least one reason if not millions of reasons.  My job is to listen to Him and follow the path He has created just for me.  Soooo....how do I do that?

God was so pleased when Solomon asked for wisdom instead of wealth and honor that God decided to grant him more wisdom than anyone on earth as well as more wealth, possessions and honor than any king before or after him (2 Chronicles 1).  Following Solomon's example, I will begin by asking God to show me His plan for my life.  Not for my entire life at one time, but one step at a time.  I cannot imagine how overwhelming it would be to hear the plan for your entire life.

In Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love, he includes the quote "how we live our days...is how we live our lives."  Francis urges us "to discover for ourselves how to live this day in faithful surrender to God."  This quote struck a chord with me.  Many times, I have been so focused on what I want for the future that I have overlooked the present.  "When this happens, I will..."; "If only..."; "When I have..." etc.
God wants me to live in the NOW.  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:34


So I think I have now come to the question... 


How does God want me to live my days?


One thing I know is that God wants me to LOVE Him and my neighbor.  After all, those are the two greatest commandments. (Matthew 22: 36-40) But what does this mean? According to Andy Stanley in his series, "Staying in Love", love is a action verb, not just a feeling.  Love is doing for others, being kind, turning the other cheek, caring for them as I would want them to care for me, etc. 


"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Do I really DO this love on a daily basis?  Maybe for those who are easy to love.  What about those with prickly personalities?  Those who have been mean to me? Those who I am jealous of?  Those I just don't like?  Those I am intimidated by?  Those who just don't like me? 

Francis Chan states, "true faith is loving a person after he has hurt you."

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.  And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." ~Luke 6:32-36

So my goal is...To actively LOVE those who are not easy for me to love.  It won't be easy because this goes against all of my natural instincts, but  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippians 4:13

"If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them."~James 4:17
I often wonder how many times I have chosen not to do good for another person.

I also wonder...how many people have shown me love, but it was hard because I was not easy to love.  Hmm...I don't like to think of myself as one of those people that is hard to love, but I am willing to bet I have been.  What about you...Are you easy or hard to love???

So that leads me back to my original thoughts.  What is my personal mission statement? I don't really understand the difference between a mission and a vision statement, but I have a few statements that could possibly fit in one of those categories.

My Mission Statement:  (This may be cheesy, but I am doing it anyway! :-))
The mission of Shaunda Fourakre is to live each day in faithful surrender to God.

My Vision Statement:
The vision of Shaunda Fourakre is to live in such as way that those who come in contact with me will feel the love of God.  I will demonstrate Christ's love through my actions.  By showing this love, others will be empowered to trust God and share their faith.  I will understand that I can do none of this in my own power, but I can do all things through Christ's power.  

My Goal:

Well...Paul said it best in Philippians 3...so I will just say, "ditto". haha! 

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
    Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead,
    I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.
    All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.
    Only let us live up to what we have already attained.
    Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you.
    For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.
    Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
    But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,
    who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body." ~Philippians 3: 12-21

Our Beautiful Angel

Thank you, Amy Rich for these beautiful photographs!  We will always treasure them!

It's been a while...catching up with God

It has been almost one month exactly since I posted my last blog.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster this last month.  There are so many things I have learned and felt God saying to me, but I haven't taken the time to talk about them on here.  I have missed blogging so much because it is a time of intimacy between my Father and me.  I have been too busy to truly focus on Him, and I can feel the disconnect in my heart. This month I have suffered from fear and anxiety as well as tremendous sadness and even anger.  I have had glimpses of joy and happiness, but most of my emotions have been negative.  If I had to use one word to describe my well being this month, I would have to say TIRED.  It has been an incredibly overwhelming time in my life and I have allowed my circumstances to devour my time and energy so that I have had very little time with the One in control of everything.  The One whom can help me through the trying times. The One whom has ALL power.  The One whom loves me with an uncompromising love.  The One whom gives me strength to carry on.  The One whom gives and takes life.  The One whom can make it all better.  I have been too busy for Him!  That seems so silly when I think about it.  Although I have strayed this month, He still loves me.  Thank goodness His love is not dependent on my actions and my thoughts.  He knows every one of them and He still loves me...no matter what.  I don't know about you, but that gives me so much peace.  I am free of the worry and guilt!  He understands everything about me because He designed me!  I am His special creation with all of my quirky ways.  Thank you, Father for loving me!

Although this past month was a little rocky, I felt His overpowering love every single day.  He has a special way of showing us His love when we need it the most.

My uncle went to be with the Lord two weeks ago.  I spent a lot of time thinking about his life and how God never left His side.  In the last conversation I had with him, he was talking about consequences. He talked about how you should be careful because every action has a consequence.  Sometimes the price is hard to pay.  He was talking about making wise choices and the need to choose Christ.  He was so grateful for God's forgiveness, His GRACE. I have thought about my life so much since that conversation.  You know, our lives here on earth are so short in comparison to eternity. The things we do here on earth are preparing us for Heaven.  Philippians 4:17 (Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account) pops into my mind when I think about my life here on Earth. I would like to be spiritually rich in my "heavenly bank account" when I die. I don't really know what that means other than what we do here on earth effects our life in Heaven. 

I have also realized how much our lives can have an effect on others.  I worry that I might and I probably have caused someone else to stumble.  If I have ever caused you to stumble, I am soooo sorry!  That leads me to another realization I have had this month.  I am HUMAN! I know this may sound silly, but I think many times I put unrealistic expectations on myself.  Then I am disappointed and frustrated when I can't live up to those expectations.  I am trying to learn that I cannot be all things to all people and that I have to forgive myself when I mess up.  God doesn't need me to be perfect.  He just wants me to seek Him with my whole being.

I am currently listening to the audiobook Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  This book focuses on God's love for us and how we can live in His love.  We return His love by truly loving others.  God is really speaking to me through this author.  One thing Francis discusses is our need for safety.  I am very focused on my personal comfort and safety.  You know, maybe I should focus less on my comfort and more on trusting God.  Dear Father, may I never be so consumed with my safety, comfort, image or enjoyment that I miss what you are calling me to do.  Please help me to keep my eyes focused on you as you guide me through life.  I am so sorry for all of the times I have said no to you because of fear of others perceptions. You are my everything!  Please help me to fully trust you and forgive me for my lack of trust.  Amen

I am sure my thoughts were a bit scattered today, but I have so many rolling around.  I have missed this time with my Savior. 

March 1 devotion from Sarah Young's Jesus Calling:
When something in your life or thoughts makes you anxious, come to Me and talk about it.  Bring Me your prayer and petition with thanksgiving, saying: "Thank You, Jesus, for this opportunity to trust You more."  Though the lessons of trust that I send to you come wrapped in difficulties, the benefits far outweigh the cost.
Well-developed trust will bring you many blessings, not the least of which is My Peace.  I have promised to keep you in perfect Peace to the extent that you trust in Me.  The world has it backwards, teaching that peace is the result of having enough money, possessions, insurance and security systems. My Peace, however, is such an all-encompassing gift that it is independent of all circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain My Peace you are rich indeed.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~Philippians 4:6

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. ~Isaiah 26:3

Mountains

Follow me one step at a time.  That is all I require of you.  In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world.  You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights.  Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now.  As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead.  But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow.  Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains.  There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from the distance.  If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb.  I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways.

Keep your mind on the present journey, enjoying My Presence.  Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting me to open up the way before you.

~Excerpt from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, February 1

I have been walking in the shadows of looming mountains this week.  I went back to work on Monday.  It was a very stressful week filled with bouts of anxiety and sadness.  I spent the early part of the week trembling at the thought of certain "mountains" I thought I would have to scale.  Guess what!  God provided!!!  So many people came together this week to help me through the journey.  I work with the best group of people ever!  Several (more than I can count on two hands!) of my coworkers allowed God to use them to minister to me this week.  Through the generosity of these women and men, I did not have to climb a couple of the biggest mountains.  Others held my hand as I went over smaller mountains.  I will never be able to express to these sweet friends how much their willingness to pitch in and help has meant to me.  It is true that God takes care of us.  Thank you, Father, for protecting me and for providing help for me during times of trial and heartache!

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:17, 18

How I am using...The Armor of God

Today I would like to talk about healing.  I am learning a lot about myself.  One thing that I have learned is that I tend to shy away from situations or things that make me uncomfortable.  If I avoid a person, place or thing because I feel I am not strong enough, then I feel disappointed in myself and become scared and bitter. I have found that if I face an uncomfortable situation head-on, I feel proud and strong and healing occurs.  Let me give you a few examples from my life over the last few months.  Some I am very proud of, others I am ashamed.

One of the toughest, but best, things I was able to do was be at the birth of my dear friend's baby.  My human nature wanted to stay home and avoid the situation completely.  But I love my friend dearly and had been looking forward to sharing this with her for years.  I knew that if I stayed away and didn't face this fear then I would become bitter and might not be able to be truly happy for her or anyone else.  I prayed God would give me joy for her blessing.  Guess what!?!  He delivered!  I have only felt joy for her and her sweet baby boy.  Not one time have I felt jealousy or bitterness towards my friend.  Thank you, Father for that gift!

On the other hand, my sweet cousin just had a baby boy.  I could not make myself go to the hospital.  I kept finding excuses not to go.  The difference??? Her baby was born just a couple weeks after Anna's death.  I was having a pity party and knew I would fall apart when I held her baby. I didn't want to embarrass myself or make her feel uncomfortable.  Honestly, I haven't held a baby since Anna.  I just realized this.  This is one mountain I need to climb soon before I decide it is too painful.  I am ashamed that I haven't seen her baby.  

When I first learned the news about Anna Grace, I did not want to leave the safety of my home.  I would not go to the grocery store or out to eat.  I didn't want to go to church.  I just wanted to stay home.  I was scared I would see people who would ask about my pregnancy and I would have a public breakdown.  I did not want anyone to feel bad about asking and I did not want an embarrassing display.  I stayed home from work on Medical leave.  I honestly was hiding from all social interactions.  Many, many people came to visit us at our house.  I loved these visits!  They somehow felt safe.  I guess it is because the people who came to my home already knew about Anna Grace.  I think I was afraid of having to tell people the story without them having any background knowledge.   Well, I don't remember exactly when I first went out of the house or where I went, but I do know that it was Neal who encouraged me to face this fear.  I found the more times I told the story, the easier it was to tell.  I also realized it was an easy way to tell others about Jesus.  Telling our story became a rewarding activity rather than a depressing one.  Interesting how that works!!!  God is so good!  The more I told the story, the more healed I became!  Honestly, the more pregnant I looked, the more opportunities I had to tell the story.  I am so thankful I didn't stay a prisoner in my home.

Another area I had to face head-on was obeying God's call to write this blog.  It is not easy to put your deepest, ugliest thoughts and emotions out there for everyone to read.  It is embarrassing, and I worry others will become offended or dislike me for what I am thinking.  However, I put a lot of prayer into this blog.  When I begin typing, God speaks to me through the keys.  Many times, I do not know what I am about to type until it comes out.  The words I type are from God to me for me.  This is for my healing and growth.  Others may benefit as well, but I know it is first and foremost for me.  As I am typing, He gives me so many revelations, and I always feel stronger when I finish.  Amazing!!!

Now, I am about to face a mountain that has caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety and fear.  If you read my blog a week or so ago, you will know that I have been struggling with the decision to return to the classroom.  When I began writing that post, I couldn't talk about returning to work without crying.  I was filled with so much fear, doubt and anxiety.  With each keystroke, it seemed my fear was diminishing bit by bit.  By the time I finished the post, I felt strengthened and empowered!  Now I am ready to return!  Many of the teachers have reached out to me as well as my administration.  They are going to help me through when I struggle.  I feel they have wrapped their arms around me and are going to help hold me together!  I only hope I can make someone else feel as loved as they have made me feel.  I am so appreciative of all of them and feel so blessed to be a part of the Allendale family!  I am going tomorrow to meet with the kids for the first time, and I return to work on Monday.  I am sure Satan will attack again with a round of fear and doubt, but I am putting on the Armor of God.  Thank you for your prayers and helping me through this next part of my journey.  I pray that we all wear this Armor of God every day as we fight the battle against Satan and his evil scheming! 

Ephesians 6:10-18

  ¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Our Tough Decision

13For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
~Psalm 139: 13-18

Yesterday was "Sanctity of Life" day at church.  It was a hard day for me.  I miss my baby so much, but I am so thankful to know she is happy and safe in Heaven!  Our pastor talked about abortion and how prevalent it is in our world today.  My heart breaks for the mothers and fathers that are faced with the decision to end their child's life.  I can now speak with experience when I say it is not a black and white decision.  I have heard many times that you never know what you will do when you are in a situation.  I can agree to that to a certain extent.  Today I want to talk about the factors that went into our decision to give our child life.   If you are reading this and you made a choice that causes you pain, please know that our God is willing to heal you of that pain through His gift of forgiveness.  I also want you to know that I am in no way judging or looking down on anyone who has made a different decision.  I know that I have "sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23, in many ways on many different occasions.  I have absolutely no room to judge.  My sins were hanging over Jesus' head as he went to the cross.  This is not easy to talk about, but I hope it encourages someone else out there struggling with a tough decision.

Let me begin by giving you a few of my core beliefs. 

• I believe will all my heart that babies in the womb have a soul and they go straight to Jesus' arms when they die. ~Psalm 139
• I believe it is wrong to kill another human being.  ~Exodus 20:13
• I believe God is in control of this world and we are instructed to trust Him. ~Proverbs 3:5,6
• I believe God loves us and cares about us.  ~John 3:16
• I believe God has a plan for each of our lives.~Jeremiah 29:11
• I believe God forgives our sins.~1 John 1:9, Isaiah 43:25

The day we received the news that our baby had a problem, we were in shock.  As most of you know, we went to a specialist for a second opinion that day.  She told us she had a baby with the same diagnosis and that she went into early labor at 26 weeks.  There was a lot of blood and the baby did not survive.  We went back to our OB who told us that he felt her sac would grow so large it would cause problems with delivery. Basically he gave us three options:
1. He told us that in order to deliver vaginally, they would have to bust the sac which would kill her immediately. It would be a gruesome delivery that resulted in her death.
2. We could have a modified c-section that would damage my uterus and possibly prevent me from being able to carry another baby.  He said she would still most likely die at birth or shortly after. 
3. We could abort our baby.  Well, they called it "Termination" to make it sound better.  This would save my uterus from damage and allow us to start trying for children earlier.
He suggested we go home to pray and talk to our spiritual leaders about this decision.  This was very good advice and I will love him forever for this.

As you can imagine, we were distraught.  I was 19 weeks pregnant.  We found out she was a girl.  She looked like a baby on the ultrasound.  She had fingers and toes.  She was moving on the ultrasound.  I could FEEL her moving in my tummy.  She was REAL and ALIVE!  We were being instructed that an abortion would be the least detrimental to my body.  Many of the people who love and care about us deeply felt we should choose the third option.  We were at a crossroads...we had to make a choice.

Although I had Neal by my side and lots of family and friends around, I have never felt so scared, empty and alone in my life.  That night, I tried to convince myself abortion was the right option.  Most of the people around me seemed to think it was the right choice.  At this point, I honestly didn't know how Neal felt about this situation.  I truly think he was trying to let me sort out my feelings and emotions before giving me his opinion.  I tried to justify abortion in my mind.  My body was definitely showing signs of my distress.  I was shaking uncontrollably.  I had a horrific headache.  I couldn't sleep.  It was a very long night.

The next morning, I awoke screaming.  I am sure it scared Neal to death!  He didn't know what to do other than hold me.  I honestly could not believe I was actually considering taking the life of my own baby.  I have wanted children for years!  I had a deep desire...a yearning to be a mother!  I am a teacher who would fight anything or anyone to protect those kids in my class!  I am actually considering killing my OWN CHILD!!!!! 

Our pastor and his wife came over shortly after we got out of bed.  I remember falling into her arms crying and screaming.  When I finally got myself under control, Neal explained the whole situation.  As I sat listening to Neal, I couldn't believe he was talking about us.  It sounded like a sad movie or book, not our life.  I honestly don't remember everything from the conversation, but what I do remember will stay with me the rest of our life.  Bro. Larry said that in times like this, we should base our decision on our principles not our emotions.  This spoke straight to my soul!  Obviously, I was rolling on a wave of emotions.  I was trying to convince myself to do something that I feel is wrong because I was not thinking clearly.  After he spoke that one sentence of wisdom, I knew in my heart that I would not end her life.  I did not share this with anyone and we continued talking.  I was thinking that I would keep the baby, but I would pretend she didn't really exist.  I would not get too attached to her because she wasn't going to live. Then God led Ms. Anita to say that our baby would be in Heaven waiting on us. She felt like the baby would know or feel the love we showed to her while she was here with us.  We should celebrate her life, no matter how short.  We should name her and read to her and sing to her and take pictures!  God spoke so much wisdom through this sweet lady and I will forever be grateful for this advice.  Before this, I felt silly talking to the baby growing in my womb.  It was like she gave me license to love this baby as my child. 

After they left, Neal and I finally were able to have a long talk about what we were going to do.  It turns out, he had never considered abortion and he was completely ready to love this baby for the long haul! 

If you have read my earlier blogs, you know this story.  You know that we named her Anna Grace and we had a peaceful three months preparing for her birth.  Her birth was so peaceful!  She lived just minutes and she was beautifully formed.  We had a precious service to celebrate her life and at least one person trusted Jesus as their savior as a direct result of Anna's life.  I just wanted to let you in on the way God was speaking to me and the thoughts that were going through my mind. 

Now many of you may be wondering if we would choose the same path if given the chance to do it all over again.  Let me answer that with a YES!  There is no doubt in my mind that I would choose to give my baby life all over again.  These are my top reasons:
1. I feel so much peace knowing I did all I could for her! God has given us that peace that surpasses all understanding.
2. I do not feel any guilt when I think about Anna.  If I had chosen abortion, I would drive myself crazy with guilt and self-loathing.
3. I have precious memories of getting to meet my baby!  She was so precious and I loved holding her in my arms.  I will never forget that sweet feeling of holding my baby.
4. I feel the strength of our Creator.  He has proven to me that all things are possible and that I just need to trust Him.  He has made it so much easier for me to trust Him.  I can truly say that He is in control!!!!!  I feel His love and His peace in such a real way now.

Thank you for reading our story.  It is my prayer that it helps others to trust God with all things!  No matter how big or small the decision, know that God created us and that He loves us.  He has a plan that doesn't always fit our plans, but He sees all and knows all.